If I Were President

As President’s Day arrives, I am reminded of my time in Elementary School. Of course back then, we actually celebrated two birthdays. George Washington first and then Abraham Lincoln. With each birthday, we would dress up in period costumes made of colored construction paper and make hats. My favorite was the three corner hat. I always seemed to get in trouble though when I attempted to chop down the trees out in front of the school. The day always ended with the teacher asking us what we would do if we were President? Even at that early age, I had no aspirations of being president. I had my sights set much higher than the Commander-in-chief of the free world. I wanted to be Commissioner of Baseball. That is where the real power laid. Where else could you suspend ballplayers and fine them undisclosed amounts of money or at the drop of a hat decide that pitchers no longer had to bat for themselves? I would just like to see Bill Clinton attempt to mandate the starting of spring training. Everyone would just laugh at him. No, I think being Commissioner of baseball be the coolest job in the world.

If I were Commissioner, I would run on the following platform. Stadiums would be modified to include more leg room. No more would fans have to sit in cramped quarters watching 3 hour games. There would be peanuts at every seat. If a fan is willing to spend their hard earned cash, they should at least enjoy a game with a full stomach. Teams would be required to play outdoors on natural grass. There is nothing more important than the smell of fresh cut grass to a baseball fan. All advertising would be eliminated from the inside of stadiums. If the owner’s want to make a buck on advertising, make them wear them it on THEIR jackets. Finally, I would banish the Designated Hitter. No one wants to see an over-the-hill, overweight baseball player embarass themselves by trying to hang on for a few more years.

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