With only five weeks until pitchers and catchers arrive in Tucson Arizona for the beginning of Spring Training, it is time to start sending invitations to those players who are not currently on the Arizona Diamondbacks roster. Today those invitations went out to several players but one name was mysteriously omitted, mine. Oh sure, I am old but then so is most of the Diamondbacks roster. I mean there are people currently playing that are older than I am. So if Mike Morgan can get an invitation, I think I deserve one too. I don’t just want a George Plimpton invitation though. I want to compete for a job. Since the Diamondbacks might have just forgotten about me, let me refresh their memory.
I am three years younger than Mike Morgan so that in itself means I am not to old to pitch. I have had two shoulder surgeries but have gone through extensive rehabilitation so if anything happens this year, I should be able to bounce back or at least share a whirlpool with Matt Mantei. My delivery to the plate is fairly quick so I might be able to give Armando Reynoso a few tips to make the games finish in less than five hours. I don’t chew tobacco so I can take over the Spit Tobacco Prevention duties from Steve Finley so he can concentrate more on hitting a slider and less on his television appearences. I am a devoted family man so I will not be distracted by women with flammable butts like Mike DiFlice was last season. I have a pretty good pick-off move. I once hit a kid named Clifton Park right between the eyes with a rock before he could move in the second grade. I have a fairly strong neck so that if someone hits a home run off of me I will not strain myself turning around watching the ball fly out of the ballpark. Given that the Diamondbacks seem very interested in left-handed pitching (why else would they bring in a fat guy for pizza and a basketball game only to see him sign with the Yankees because they had an all-you-can-eat buffet?) I think I am perfect for the job. I am left-handed and can throw just as hard as Troy Brohawn and I am as accurate as Steve Finley and the Diamondbacks let him pitch last year. What do you say, can I go to Tucson? Please?