Shave and a Hair Cut, No Way

Week-ends used to be about sleeping in and taking life easy but as I’ve gotten older it seems like I get up earlier and earlier. So while most people were probably resting comfortably and dreaming of a peaceful existence where the Designated Hitter had been abolished and all stadiums had natural grass, retractable roofs, and a comfortable temperature of 72 degrees; I was up and getting ready for church. I figured with the Diamondbacks only a half a game out of first place the team needed all the help they could get and so I would go and make sure that God had his Diamondbacks jersey and hat on for today’s game.


As I got out of the shower and began to get dressed Trina stopped me and said, “You’re not going to church like that are you?” Well of course not, I do plan on putting on some clothes. What kind of idiot does she think I am? I must have had that look on my face because Trina quickly followed up with the clarification, “You didn’t even shave. In fact you haven’t shaved in nearly a week!” See, this is where I think Trina just doesn’t get it. The last time I shaved during this home stand, the Diamondbacks lost against the Los Angeles Dodgers. The next day I got up late so I didn’t shave and when I went to the game that night they won. Having lived through the month of June and seeing the Diamondbacks only win eight games, I was not about to see July do the same so the following day I didn’t shave again just to see what happened and sure enough the Diamondbacks won. Just maybe I was on to something.

It’s funny, you grow up and during that time you have an opportunity to attend classes and become what you think of as an educated person. You give up on absurd ideas such as owning one of those flying cars from the Jetson cartoons or becoming the first human to step forth on Mars. You come up with elaborate theories as to what happened to the Hohokam Indian tribe and you even have discounted the notion that Elvis did not really fake his death to work at a Circle K somewhere in Arkansas. But despite all of the education and scientific proof, you cannot get over the fact that you do not tempt the baseball Gods by doing something foolish like shaving during a winning streak. I’ve played along side some brilliant people who for some unexplainable reason had to put their socks on in a specific order, eat a particular food before each game, or travel to the ballpark using the same route each day otherwise they would break the spell and go into a losing death spiral. On the surface, that sounds absurd but enough strangeness happens within the game of baseball that you begin to believe in such things because there doesn’t seem to be any other explanation. So until the Diamondbacks lose a game, I am not going to shave nor am I going to get a hair cut. I may look like a bum but the Diamondbacks won’t be playing like one. I figure God probably understands this since his Son had long hair and a beard in the pictures I’ve seen so there must have been a serious rivalry going on during his time. Religious figures have said that God and Jesus know everything so for all I know maybe Jesus had long hair and a beard for the same reason I do; so the 2006 Arizona Diamondbacks make the play-offs. So in a sense I am just following Jesus’ example. Hmmm, I wonder if Trina is going to buy this theory? It does seem a lot more plausible than my blueprint for the reverse microwave oven.


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