Who is this monkey and what is he doing on my back?

Desperate times require desperate measures and make no mistake; this is as desperate a time as I can ever remember. Over the course of the past ten years the National League’s record in the All-Star game is a pathetic 0-9-1. This is beyond sad, this is near suicidal state. Since the commissioner instituted that insane rule that the winner of the midsummer classic would have home field advantage in the World Series, the National League has gone winless. It has become obvious that the players themselves cannot solve this crisis. It’s time we brought in some help.


Baseball players by nature are superstitious so what I am about to propose is not necessarily out of the realm of possibility. The first thing we need to do is exorcise some demons. I’ve seen enough horror movies in my life to know that there are two rules when dealing with evil. First, never turn your back on a dead guy because they are only pretending to be dead. That rule was ignored last night in the ninth inning. We all thought with Trevor Hoffman on the mound strutting his 1.04 ERA and his 96% save success that the game was in the bag. Finally the National League would get a break. But the boogie man doesn’t die and last night he took the form of Michael Young of the Texas Rangers. The National League was 1 strike away from winning the game before Michael “Jason-Freddie-Pin Head-Mike Myers-Dracula” Young laces a triple to center field clearing the bases and erasing a win in one pitch. This first rule is in place so that we know how evil the evil is that we are dealing with. Regular evil can be killed by a Sylvester Stallone or Arnold Schwarzenegger barrage of explosions, bullets, and bad one liners. Extra strength evil takes something a little more creative and substantial to get rid of which brings us to rule 2.

When faced with extra strength evil you are required to call on the super natural. This may take the form of sacrificing small furry animals or fowl and most always requires the use of beads. There also may be incense or other evil killing aromatherapy but that is left to the discretion of the person performing the exorcism. In all of the movies I have seen you also need some kind of chanting or other ritual prayer cheer. I think last night proved that we are not dealing with your average ordinary evil. If you lose five or even seven out of ten you could have brought in Rambo and see if that fixed the problem but we’re now in Linda Blair territory.

My proposal is that before next year’s game that we select a National League stadium and bring in all of the players who have been selected to the all-star team. We also invite members of every organized religious group and even a few that are unorganized. Every team will be responsible for sending something to the party. The chanting we can get from Atlanta as I never understood that whole tomahawk chop thing anyway. Arizona has that whole snake thing going so that should work. The Cubs are like subject matter experts on curses so they should bring a goat or something. The Reds were owned by Marge Schott so maybe we can get some hair from that dog she had hanging around the ballpark. Colorado plays a Coors Field so they will be in charge of refreshments (hey, for this to sound like a good idea will take a large amount of alcohol). Florida should send some of D-Train’s bling to blind the spirits. Houston is the closest National League team to New Orleans so they should bring the beads. You can’t do voodoo without a good set of beads. The Dodgers should just try to be on time. We can’t have people showing up late for an exorcism then leaving early to beat traffic. That just ticks off the spirits. Milwaukee should send those sausage guys. They may not help with the exorcism but they would at least be entertaining during the seventh inning stretch. Philadelphia should send that statue of Rocky and batteries. The statue is to remind us that we are beyond the regular evil and that Stallone can’t help us. The batteries are to throw at the guys doing the exorcism in case it doesn’t work. New York should send a picture of the 1962 Mets so we get the spirits attention. Pittsburgh needs to bring dirt from the infield around third base since that is where the problem started when Cabrera didn’t throw out Konerko to end the game. St. Louis will be in charge of beverage back-up in case Colorado runs out. They can also bring some andro if there is any left from the McGuire era. San Diego is responsible for bringing a Padre. You can’t have an exorcism without at least one priest. And think about it, wouldn’t it be cool to see that little friar dancing around with beads, a Coors Light, while doing the tomahawk chop? Washington should send some members of Congress. Who knows, we may need to do some sacrifices. San Francisco should bring Barry Bonds. If this thing gets out of hand we are going to need some lawyers and Barry has more of those than anybody I know. He could also bring some flax seed oil and some of that cream in case we need to make the exorcism larger. We get all this stuff together with 50,000 fans and it is going to be bigger than Disco Demolition night.

So there you have it, a relatively foolproof plan to help the National League overcome this problem. If we pull this off, it might not just break the all-star curse but it might also cause the designated hitter to disappear. That though may take some Harry Potter kind of magic.


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