“Jeff, we need to talk.†When those words come out of Trina’s mouth, nothing good is going to follow. “When I said I needed a Christmas list, I didn’t expect you to send me the link to the online store for the Arizona Diamondbacks.†Ok, I didn’t realize that there was a wrong answer when someone asks you want you want for Christmas. I thought that meant to tell them what thinks would bring the most joy into your life. And since in my case that is baseball, I thought that I was perfectly within the parameters of the question to answer with one link. Trina believes herself to be a more practical person and therefore I should have answered with things that I needed rather than wanted. I assured her that I really did need 4 Diamondbacks jerseys and at least 2 Diamondbacks hats with the new color scheme. This was not a desire, this was definitely a need. I can’t be expected to support my team wearing last century’s color scheme. I may have trouble remembering whether the fashion world believes you should or should not wear white after Labor Day but I am positive that we are expected to be wearing Sedona Red on April 1 when the Diamondbacks meet the Colorado Rockies in Denver. This led to a recurring discussion we always have about whether my life should revolve around baseball or whether baseball should revolve around my life. In the end it would mean that I would have to adjust my list to include non-Diamondbacks items too. Quite honestly I could not think of any so Trina offered to take me out shopping to refresh my memory.
I am not sure why I am being punished like this. All I did was make a list like she asked me to and as a result I have to go shopping. Our first stop was to the shoe store to look for new shoes. I had my heart set on Nike + sneakers with a connection for my iPod. Trina would grant the geeky-ness but became frustrated when I refused to select any of the choices because they did not match the Sedona Red color of the Diamondbacks. Our next stop was men’s clothing as Trina felt I was in need of a new dress shirt and tie. I attempted to suggest that the ballgame was not formal enough to require a shirt with a tie but after getting the evil eye I thought it best for me to keep quiet and go along with her plan. Trina immediately went for the white oxford shirts but I absolutely refused to look at white. I am much too colorful to be confined to a white shirt. Trina relinquished and allowed me to look for a shirt I would like. I removed my Diamondbacks hat and held it up to each garment to see how closely it matched. After going through three stacks of shirts I finally found one in a shade that closely matches Sedona Red. I must have looked like I needed help because 2 store employees came over to assist me. I explained that my wife was forcing me to shop against my will and asked it they could please notify the authorities that I had been kidnapped and forced to look at adult clothes without sports logos. Obviously Trina had gotten to them before I had since they showed very little sympathy to my plight. Instead they offered to assist me to find a tie that would go with my new Sedona Red dress shirt. I again removed my hat and suggested our best bet would be to find something black with a touch of Sonoran Dust for contrast. Both employees just stared at me blankly. Obviously they were going to be no help so I went to the tie rack myself and picked out a black tie with light stripes (I could not find one Sonoran Dust colored tie in the whole store). In the end I had a dress shirt and tie and I learned a valuable lesson. Next time my wife asks for a Christmas gift list, lie through my teeth and say I have no idea what I want and that she should just surprise me. That would be a much less painful proposition that what I endured today.
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