The Day Hell Froze Over

When I moved from Idaho to Arizona I did so for a couple of reasons. First was the great job offer I received from Motorola. Second was the fact that I hated the cold. It wasn’t just me though it was my whole family. When winter weather begins in mid-October and continues through April that is just too much. And believe me when I tell you that there is nothing worse than waking from a dead sleep to the sound of the snow plow coming down your street. You know that you have approximately 16 minutes from the time the plow passes your house until you have to have the piled snow moved from in front of your driveway. If you miss this window of opportunity you will be left with a pile of snow that may last until Memorial Day. People sometimes ask me how I can stand to live somewhere that reaches over 120 degrees in the summer. It really isn’t so bad. I keep a pair of oven mitts in my car so that I don’t burn my fingers on the steering wheel and then I just crank the air conditioning until I cool off. I would much rather do that than have to continually wear 27 layers of clothing just to go out and pick up the newspaper. I admit, I am a total wimp when it comes to cold. I just can’t stand the fact that parts of my body could become frozen solid and break off. There is something just not right about that. For the past week though it has been unseasonably cold in Arizona. By unseasonably cold I mean frigid by my standards. The high temperatures hovered in the forties and the lows were below freezing. Finally the unimaginable occurred. Last night I stood at the window wrapped in a blanket staring at the clouds when the rain began to freeze and turn to snow. I stood there in disbelief at what I was seeing. I never thought it was possible that I would have to endure the sight of snow again and yet here it was. Before I moved here I had asked the realtor if it ever snowed and he told me, “It would be a cold day in hell before it snowed in Phoenix.” Well here we are and it made me start to wonder, what other events I should expect now that hell had frozen over.


My first inclination is that we should expect to see the Arizona Cardinals football team begin a run at the Super Bowl. This will be followed shortly by Barry Bonds winning a humanitarian award for his continued community service as the nicest guy in baseball. Pete Rose will be typing his acceptance speech after being unanimously voted into the baseball Hall of Fame. Of course he has asked Bud Selig to deliver his introduction in Cooperstown since they are so close. We should also expect that the 2007 World Series will feature the Kansas City Royals and the Pittsburgh Pirates in a battle for baseball supremacy. In a surprising development, Randy Johnson will win a silver slugger award after hitting 51 home runs and driving in 98 RBI for the Diamondbacks. Not to be outdone, Albert Pujols will win the Cy Young for the National League when midway through April he comes in to close out a game after Jason Isringhausen has to leave when he breaks his big toe in a freak bobblehead accident. Pujols dominates Cubs hitters and goes on to record 49 saves which matches his home run total in 2006. The year ends with Major League Baseball owners unanimously vote to contract two teams and select the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox just so the rest of the nation do not have to watch these two franchises try to spend the equivalent of the Gross National Product of Argentina. As the winter meetings adjourn, the owners vote that all teams must change their colors to purple except for the Arizona Diamondbacks who will keep Sedona Red, Sonoran Dust, and black but will change their names to the Arizona Eskimos. Yeah, no good can come from it snowing in Arizona.


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