Day 3 of the mail marathon began the same as Day 2 which was the same as Day 1. As the first rays of sunlight cast over the horizon I sat at the window looking to see if the mail truck was coming. Trina came down the stairs rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “What time is it?” she asked. “It is 6:32 AM and the mail isn’t here yet.” I stated not moving my glance from the window. Trina mumbled something about addiction or mental health insurance or something and walked out the room leaving just me, the window, the neighbor’s cat, and that little Hispanic guy cutting the lawn across the street as the only things moving this morning. Slowly the neighborhood began to come alive; people wandering out to their driveway in their bathrobes to retrieve their newspapers or young school children snickering and pointing at the adults in their bathrobes as they walk towards their bus stops. Time and traffic seemed to inch along ever so slowly and none of the vehicles remotely resembled a mail truck. I signed deeply causing my breath to fog up the window briefly before disappearing.
Trina went about her normal business making lunches for the kids, running Tiffany to school so that she could attend her zero hour class. Making sure Dakota was wearing clean clothes and had brushed his teeth before leaving to catch his bus. These people act as if this is just another day. Don’t they realize how wrong they are? The universe has not been right for almost 4 days now and it is affecting all aspects of our lives. Transportation is obviously broken because the post man has not arrived at my door. The English language has been compromised because the word “priority” obviously doesn’t mean the same thing as it used to. The calendar has to be broken because March 16 and March 17 didn’t work. And then there is the whole shortest day/longest day calculation that is messed up because the last 4 nights have each gotten longer than the one previously and scientists have said that the nights are getting longer leading up to the Summer Solstice. There are so many things that are broken I just want to stand in the middle of the street in my Diamondbacks pajamas and my Goofy slippers and yell at the top of my lungs to alert the masses that we are reaching a critical point when society will collapse. I made a mental note to myself to have someone bring me a bible because I think these events were foretold in Revelations in the verses describing the end of the world. But as the morning moves forward, the people of the world go about their daily routines completely unaware of the impending doom we are facing.
“Don’t you have to work today” Trina asked startling me out of my visions of Armageddon. “What day is it?” I asked briefly confused. “It is Monday.” She replied. My face went as pale as the official Authentic Majestic Athletic Home Jersey with the Sedona Red “D-backs” logo across the chest and the “db” logo adorning the left sleeve that is currently on sale at the Diamondbacks online store. I completely forgot that I was supposed to be in the office today. In my despondent incoherence over not getting my tickets on Friday and Saturday I completely forgot to see if I could work remotely today. I quickly ran upstairs to shower after I got Trina to promise that she would sit by the window until I got back. In 5 minutes I returned back downstairs my hair and back still dripping wet and my shirt clinging like a day game in Miami in August. My mind was still racing as I tried to figure out what to do about my dilemma. Trina had to work and she was refusing to call in sick so she could stay home and sit by the window and wait for the post man. The kids had already left for school so I couldn’t bribe one of them to fake being sick and stay home for me. I had meetings that required my presence so I had to be away. “If they try and deliver the tickets and no one is home the card said we could pick them up at the Post Office” Trina said. What in the world is she thinking? I wondered what would happen if I suggested that we just leave the kids at a rest area on our next vacation after all we can pick them up at the police station when it is more convenient. Just as I was about to give her my analogy I remembered Saturday when I suggested getting tickets was slightly ahead of going into the delivery room to see the kids born. That didn’t go too well so maybe I should just left that comment stay silent. I am soon running out of choices. Since Trina has to be to work 45 minutes later than I do and she gets off work 2 hours earlier than I do (don’t even get me started on how fair that is), I really had to find coverage for 5.3 hours. I made Trina promise that she would find out which of our neighbors would be home today. I think I have developed a plan that just might work.
If the mail man attempts to deliver a package to our house, the designated neighbor is to immediately call me. I have a list of phone numbers of where I can be reached at every minute of the 5.3 hours. Once they have made the call they are to rush out the door to our house to intersect the mail man. When they reach said mail man they are to begin questioning them about mail related items to stall the deliver. I have provided a small list of potential questions to assist.
- Approximately how much more efficient is the 5+4 Zip Code as compared to using just the 5 digit?
- Who in your opinion is the most deserving celebrity to be placed on the next postage stamp?
- If you were postmaster for a day what would you try to accomplish?
- How many licks does it take to properly adhere a First Class stamp to a standard letter sized envelope?
- What is the United States Post Office doing to help reduce global warming?
- What is the definition of Priority Mail and where were you on Friday and Saturday?
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