A Big Fan

You would think that after nearly 26 years of marriage that Trina would have learned that leaving me home alone (or in this case with Dakota) would be a bad idea. No good ever comes from when she does that. The last time this happened I ended up deciding that my computer was not quite good enough and needed a “minor upgrade”. By minor I mean that I kept the power cord from the old computer and replaced everything else. Trina arrived home to find a new computer sitting in the corner of the living room. Not just any new computer but rather a state-of-the-art dual core computer with over 1 terabyte of disk space and a really cool case. By really cool case I mean it was solid black with a window along the side that showed all of the cool components. The inside was lit by 5 LED fans and 4 light tubes all glowing a perfect match to Diamondbacks purple. The fans each had a custom fan guard laser cut from steel in the shape of the Diamondbacks logo. It was pretty much the coolest thing around and I was really happy with the computer; until November 8 when the computer became obsolete. Not because the processor or memory was no longer adequate but rather because the Diamondbacks changed their colors and logo. How could I possibly be expected to use a purple and teal computer in a Sedona Red, Sonoran Sand, and black society? Trina is well aware of my feelings on this which is why she made me promise not to do any “minor upgrading” of computers while she was gone. Reluctantly I agreed that I would not mess with the computers. That didn’t stop me from messing with other things though.

I am usually a fairly easy going guy but there are a few things that really bug me — burned out light bulbs, appliances that make weird noises, and the designated hitter. While I really want to fix the last one on that list it might be a little beyond my control; so to compensate for that I focus all my efforts on the first two. A daily inspection of the light fixtures around the house is usually all that is necessary to fulfill my burned out light bulb phobia. The appliance noise thing is a little bit more involved. For the past couple of weeks the Hunter ceiling fan in the master bedroom began to make odd squeaking noises. The longer it went the more it bothered me. After a quick Google search and a trip to the Hunter fan web site I thought what the fan needed was a touch of fan oil to lubricate the bearings. I found a hole along the top of the fan which was kind of sort of in the right place so I dumped some oil in and prepared to mark this item off my list. Unfortunately that did not solve the problem but it did give me a good scientific experiment in how far centrifugal force can throw a bead of oil. The distance appears to be directly correlated to how expensive the curtains are since the oil did not hit the cheap window coverings but drenched Trina’s expensive curtains. Clearly this fan needed to be replaced. Dakota and I headed over to the local home improvement center to assess our options. Walking in we noticed they were having a sale on outdoor grills. I’ve always wanted a stainless steel outdoor grill with 6 burners, a side burner, and a radiant heat rotisserie. I made a mental note to myself to do an evaluation of my existing crappy grill to make the proper justification to Trina for such a purchase. In the ceiling fan isle we were amazed at the cornucopia of fan choices. Both Dakota and I were immediately drawn to the fan where the blades were shaped like baseball bats. The connection to the ceiling looked like home plate and the light kit was a baseball glove with the ball being represented by a light. This would be perfect! Dakota and I were extremely pleased with our find and began to try and retrieve a fan box from the stack. A couple of people from the home improvement center came over to help. Seeing our fan choice the woman turned to Dakota and said, “Oh, are you getting a ceiling fan in your room?” “No,” Dakota said, “this is for my mom and dad’s bedroom.” The woman seemed slightly shocked. Dakota continued to tell the woman that mom was out of town and that dad was going to be surprising her with a new fan. Both employees immediately stopped helping to retrieve the box. They approached me and suggested that perhaps the fan we had chosen was not quite right. They insisted that it would not be large enough for a master bedroom. I was pretty disappointed as I thought it would be perfect. So instead of the cool baseball fan we settled for one with a remote control. I asked if the remote would also control my Tivo but it did not. It also did not come with optional fan blades in the shape of baseball bats. I swear I don’t understand these designers. Don’t they know what consumers really want? They want a Sedona Red fan with blades shaped like baseball bats that are capable of dispersing air in a standard sized master bedroom. The fan should have a remote control that adjusts fan speed, light intensity, and can control a plasma television and DirecTV Tivo receiver. It should also be completely quiet and have a sensor that notifies the owner via text message whenever the fan needs oil or if a light bulb burns out. This isn’t complicated. These are pretty simple requirements.

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