A Stitch in Time

There are times that I look at the schedule and I wonder what in the world the Arizona Diamondbacks were thinking. Today was one of those days. The Diamondbacks complete a four game series with the New York Mets in an afternoon. These are the same New York Mets who have beaten the Diamondbacks 13 consecutive times at Bank One Ballpark/Chase Field. These are the same Mets that have rabid fans that somehow always seem to cause fights in the stands resulting in several ejections during the series. After having beaten the Arizona Diamondbacks three consecutive games already, the brooms would be out in force being swung wildly above the heads of fans dressed in blue and orange. Given this potentially volatile situation I had to wonder whose idea it was to have military appreciation day and the second annual Stitch N’ Pitch promotion fall on the same day? It just seemed like a bad idea to mix fans trained in hand-to-hand combat, obnoxious New Yorkers, and women wielding knitting needles in a confined place for 3 hours. No good could possibly come from this.

I learned last year during the first annual Stitch N’ Pitch that the last place you wanted to be was between knitters and free yarn. From that experience I gained a new appreciation for how the Thompson gazelle feels when being stalked by a cheetah. I quickly perfected the deer-in-the-headlights look that is so prevalent on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. All that was really lacking was the commentary by Marlon Perkins with a stealthy placed Timex advertisement. The first Stitch N’ Pitch promotion was a nightmare I hoped I would never have to relive and when the Diamondbacks promotional schedule was released for 2007 I thought I would be spared. No mention of Stitch N’ Pitch was given and I breathed a sigh of relief. Trina took quite an opposite stance. She was extremely upset to think that the Diamondbacks would stop such a popular promotion. I didn’t dare tell her that I didn’t think the promotion was that popular. After watching that horror movie Halloween and seeing the character Michael Myers have his eye shish kabobbed with a knitting needle I make it a point to keep my opinions to myself when Trina is knitting or crocheting. I figured it would be much safer for me to just nod blankly and move on. Trina insisted that I attend the Diamondbacks on-line chat with Diamondbacks president Derrick Hall and ask him to revive Stitch N’ Pitch. Again thinking back to the movie Halloween I did what any other self-preserving husband would do, I said, “yes dear”.

For two months I went to the monthly chats and brought up Stitch N. Pitch. So after the season started I was at the game and the Diamondbacks announced that there would be a second annual Stitch N’ Pitch. I wasn’t sure whether to be frightened or relieved. On the one hand it would get Trina off my back but on the other hand it would mean dealing with 3,000 women just like my wife at the game. Neither of these solutions seemed like a best-case scenario. Trina of course was ecstatic about the news and began calling her fellow knitting and crocheting friends (it’s more of a cult from what I can tell. Women get together with large balls of multi-colored yarn and sharp instruments and pretend to make strips of I have no idea what all the while talking about how their husbands do not understand them). Before long Trina had gathered a group of 20 or so that wanted to get in on the fun. As the season unfolded, more details were provided for Stitch N’ Pitch. Soon we had a date for this tragic event, it would be held on Sunday May 6. I came home from the game and told Trina when it would be held. She grabbed a calendar and her calling tree paper to begin “spreading the word”. One look at the calendar and her mood completely changed. “HOW COULD THEY POSSIBLY SCHEDULE STITCH N’ PITCH ON A SUNDAY!” She screamed at no one in particular. The kids and I immediately began hiding all scissors, needles, and other sharp instruments. Trina’s knitting cult is part of a larger organized religious body that seems to feel that church is the paramount activity for Sunday. To see their favorite promotion scheduled over their favorite Sunday activity brought the wrath of the knitting bee squarely upon the shoulders of – me. Yeah that is right; it was somehow my fault that the Diamondbacks had chosen Sunday as the day of this promotion. At one point I feared for my life thinking that there would be a mass uprising where crazed women would burn my likeness in effigy and destroy anything Sedona Red. The plan for these 20 women to attend the game was obviously cancelled and instead I was held in contempt for ruining what they had envisioned as an annual trek to Chase Field. I tried to empathize with their plight and offered to go to the ballpark today to let the team know how displeased they were. That seemed to make them feel better that I would sacrifice my eternal salvation in exchange for the team knowing how unhappy a small group of knitters and crocheters were. So as I entered the stadium I leaned over to the guy at the ticket turnstile and whispered that my wife wasn’t cool with Stitch N’ Pitch being on a Sunday. He stared back at me bewildered. I know that look as I use it all the time at home. I just nodded and walked through the gates leaving him to ponder what that meant.

As I had feared, the stadium seemed half filled with New York Mets fans that had already begun letting everyone know they were at Chase Field to see a sweep. Even before the National Anthem there were chants of “Let’s Go Mets!” which were met with fairly adamant boos by Diamondbacks fans. Oh yeah, this was going to be bad I could just feel it. In the upper deck the Diamondbacks had corralled the stitchers in hopes that they would not intermingle with the normal fans and more importantly that they would not come in contact with a crazed Mets fan. Fortunately Livan Hernandez pitched well and the Diamondbacks bats took advantage of inconsistent pitching by Pelfrey (who may have been pitching in fear knowing there were 1,500 women with knitting needles watching his every move between stitches). Whatever the case may be, the Diamondbacks were able to squeak out a victory. So for the first time in 14 tries Arizona beat the New York Mets at Chase Field and I could not even enjoy it. I had to go home and act forlorn about the fact that Stitch N’ Pitch was held on a Sunday. There is something very messed up in this universe.

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