The Curse of the Lunch Box

Earlier this week I lamented about the fact that the Arizona Diamondbacks giveaway to today’s game was only for children ages 12 and younger. I am not sure what I expected going to Chase Field today. Naively I thought maybe my sad puppy dog eyes would result in an usher having mercy on me and handing me a second lunch box since it was obvious that my son Dakota did not get the hint at how much I wanted one of these. As I walked through the turnstile I walked extra slowly and looked even more pathetic than I normally did. Unfortunately that look didn’t work any better at the ballpark than it did at home with Trina. The usher held his ground and reiterated that these lunch boxes were for kids only. I now had a full understanding and empathy for the Trix Rabbit when the kids refused to share their breakfast cereal and callously announced, “Trix are for kids.” For a brief moment I considered grabbing a lunch box and making a run for it just like the rabbit. But I have seen enough Trix commercials to know what the outcome of that course of action would be. Besides, I was entering the stadium not leaving it. Where exactly did I think I would go once I took off running? Sooner or later they would look in Section 132 Row 15 Seat 14 and men and the lunch box would be pinched. No, I had to come to grips with the thoughts that I was once again going to be denied the opportunity to carry my lunch wrapped in the goodness of a metal lunch box.

Throughout the game Dakota and the lunch box were inseparable. I am not sure whether that was a result of him being in love with the giveaway or if it was a safety precaution that he feared that if he set it down for even a second he would lose it to his father who had the crazed lunch box envy look in his eyes. As depressing as it was to be lunch box less, the day was not a total loss. The Diamondbacks played extremely well after the first inning. During the top of the first the team allowed the Cubs to score three runs on two errors. Personally I think the errors were caused by mental lapses by Stephen Drew and Conor Jackson who were preoccupied with thoughts of how they could get their hands on Todd McFarlane lunch boxes. I can’t say I blame them, I too was somewhat distracted at the thoughts of how well a sandwich and juice box would fit within the artistic metal container.

I had not anticipated that lunch box obsession may be a hereditary trait that is passed along from generation to generation. When Dakota and I returned home after the game he proudly flaunted the metal lunch box to the rest of the family. My daughters Tiffany and Whitney were immediately drawn to the metal box and there erupted a fairly extensive discussion where each of them attempted to pry the box out of the possession of Dakota. Tiffany thought as the elder statesman of baseball children she deserved the prize since she had attended more games than any of the other children and she was also the only kid to have gone to a World Series game therefore the lunch box was her birthright. She planned to keep her make-up in the lunch box so that each morning she would be reminded of her dedication to the team. Whitney made her case that she has had to endure dad’s obsession with baseball since the day she was born and that he had missed countless band concerts, National Junior Honor Society functions, and other important events in her life because he was a baseball fanatic. She went on to say how she had been singled out in school by the other children who mocked her because her father was a Diamondbacks fan. In her eyes the lunch box would be much cheaper than the countless hours she would have to spend in therapy later in life to erase the trauma of having to live with a psycho baseball fan. The lunch box would be a fitting container for her art supplies since it was designed by artist Todd McFarlane. She would just have to deal with the fact that it had baseball things on the outside. Dakota was steadfast in keeping possession of this artifact. He had grand plans for the lunch box. It would be perfect for him to store his most precious Hot Wheels cars. The discussions/arguments went on for an extended period of time and I was amazed to see how this one item could cause so much strife. As the father I needed to try and restore peace to the family so I suggested a solution that I thought made perfect sense. They should give me the lunch box then none of them would have to worry about it. The three of them just laughed. Obviously they saw right through that one.

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