Where Can You Rent a Kid?

The promotional schedule for the Arizona Diamondbacks is the largest in the 10 year team history. It seems like each and every home stand has a great giveaway to those in attendance. My family is a huge fan of the giveaway and my kids actually hold a draft to see who will attend what game to get what giveaway. The giveaway schedule has a method to its madness. For example Saturdays are bobble head day. All six of the bobble head promotions for the 2007 season occur on Saturdays. This Saturday for example is Mark Grace bobble head day which is somewhat appropriate since the Diamondbacks are playing the Chicago Cubs which are the two teams that Grace played for during his career. Sunday games typically have giveaways oriented towards the kids where many of the promotional items are only available to children 12 and younger. Most of those giveaway items I am happy to leave for the children but every once in a while that doesn’t necessarily work out. Take this Sunday for example.


The Diamondbacks have a series of promotional items where they have teamed up with Todd McFarlane, local artist and owner of expensive baseballs. Besides being the creator of the Spawn comic empire, McFarlane also creates figurines depicting sports stars. The Diamondbacks commissioned Todd to create several figurines of Arizona players in action poses. So far the team has given out figurines of Brandon Webb, Stephen Drew, and Conor Jackson. In September the will complete the series with a Livan Hernandez figure. These are very detailed and an awesome giveaway and one highly prized around our household. I really wanted a set of these figures but so did Dakota and since he is under 12 and I am not (Trina would disagree with that as she constantly suggests that Dakota is more mature than I am on many occasions) Dakota has gotten the figures and I’ve been shut out. I’ve tried to go the eBay route to get a set for myself but so far I haven’t been willing to pay the price these figurines are going for. I just can’t seem to bring myself to pay double the cost of my tickets to the game just for a free promotional item. I keep hinting to Dakota that these figures would make a great Christmas gift for someone who is a diehard Diamondbacks fan. I’m hoping I haven’t been too subtle for a 9 year-old boy.

And while I really want a set of those McFarlane figurines that is not the promotional item I am most stressed about. No, the one I want more than anything in the world is the giveaway that is being handed out to the first 10,000 children attending this Sunday August 26’s game against the Chicago Cubs. For those kids fortunate enough to go through the turnstiles they will receive a metal Diamondbacks lunchbox with the graphics designed by Todd McFarlane.

Ever since I was a young boy I have always wanted a metal lunch box. In the first grade I begged my mom for one that looked like a yellow school bus but she refused to buy it. In the second grade I really wanted the Monkees lunch box but again I was denied. When I turned nine I asked for a Hot Wheels lunch box but again my mother didn’t think it was necessary. In the fourth grade I asked for an Evil Knievel lunch box and still I was denied. When I entered the fifth grade I offered to do without a binder if I could just get a Scooby-Do lunch box but my parents thought it was unnecessary. When I was 12 I pleaded for a Fat Albert lunch box but my parents declined stating that they were a health hazard and had been banned in the state of Florida. My childhood is defined by the shattered dreams of lost lunch boxes. Now that I am an adult I am no longer under the jurisdiction of my mother and I am free to get my own metal lunchbox. So when the Arizona Diamondbacks announced they would be having a promotional giveaway where they would hand out metal lunchboxes with the portraits of Diamondbacks players emblazoned upon them I was ecstatic! At last I would be able to fulfill my dreams of a metal lunch box.

I have been counting the days until August 26 when I would finally have not just a lunch box but an Arizona Diamondbacks lunchbox. But in my euphoria I happened to miss one slight detail, the promotion is limited only to the first 10,000 children 12 and under. NOOOOOOOO!!!! Oh how could they do this to me? Is this some sort of cruel joke being played out by the goddess of fate to deny me from obtaining a container in which I can store mid-day food?

Perhaps Dakota would see his way clear to give up this treasure so that my dreams may remain intact. I took the picture of the lunchbox to him to ask if he would be willing to give up this giveaway for his dear father. Before I could even ask, he looked at the photo of the lunchbox and exclaimed, “Oh cool a lunch box! I am definitely going to that game so that I can get one of those to take to school!”

Alas, my quest for a lunchbox appears to be further from completion than I had anticipated. If I am to get one of these most prized promotional items I am going to need to find another way. I wonder if it is possible to rent a child under the age of 12 to accompany me to a baseball game where I will gladly buy them a ticket, a kids hot dog, and a kids popcorn in exchange for a metal Diamondbacks lunchbox designed by Todd McFarlane? And where exactly would you go to find an agency willing to rent such a kid? An even more basic question would be, is it even possible to find a child willing to give up a lunchbox as cool as this? I think I need to come to grips with the fact that my lunch will forever be confined to a brown paper sack while all the cool kids will have themed metal lunch boxes. I feel as though I am being mocked by all the lunch ladies who ever walked upon the face of the earth.


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