Pirates and the Caribbean

About the only thing lacking from this three game series with the Pittsburgh Pirates was a visit by Captain Jack Sparrow. Over the course of the first two games the boys from Pittsburgh pillaged and plundered the treasure chest of the Arizona Diamondbacks. Obviously someone forgot to read their script. This was supposed to be a romantic comedy not a swashbuckling adventure film. The Diamondbacks were to play the part of the lovable clean-cut boys next door out for a cross-country sightseeing drive with the top down and the wind blowing through their hair. Fans around the country would fall in love with these guys as they cruised to a play-off spot with the youngest team in the National League. A duet of The Boys of Summer by old school rocker Don Henley and new age rockers The Ataris would blend together to show how the rookies and veterans on this ball club melded to form a cohesive atmosphere in the clubhouse which in turn led to success on the diamond. It was the perfect story, something that summer Hollywood blockbusters are made of. Problem was that the Pirates were reading from a different story.

Their version consisted of bearded men guzzling rum on the open sea singing “yoho yoho a Pirate’s live for me”. They brandished swords and began sentences with “Arg” and referred to teammates as “maties”. These Pirates had no chance against a vastly superior armada even within their own division. On paper these Pirates looked no more seaworthy than those five tourists who accompanied the Skipper and Gilligan on their three hour tour. So why is it after the first two acts of this peg-legged drama were the bad guys winning while our heroes languished to try and figure out this new story plot? The problem was the Diamondbacks had not subscribed to this new book. They were still working from the old one which now seemed to be outdated. What they needed was their own Pirate who could swing from the crow’s nest high atop the mast and save his shipmates from having to walk the plank. The question was, where do you find a Pirate like that on short notice?

That question lingered in the air as the Arizona Diamondbacks arrived at the ballpark this morning. The set designers for this production had thoroughly gone through every detail. Even the weather collaborated to set the mood. The clouds swirled in the sky thrown to and fro by the winds that blew favorably for the Pirate ships. To quote the immortal George Costanza

The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.

The Diamondbacks had planned on sending Captain Webb out to right the ship but with the squalls bounding over the deck it was time for the Diamondbacks to bring out their own Pirate in waiting. Sea Man First Class Micah Owings took the helm during perhaps the Diamondbacks darkest hour. Their ship was nearing the coral reef and seemed to be out of control. Thunder and lightning surrounded the ship and the rains pelted down upon the deck like a Caribbean hurricane. Whispers and murmurings floated through the breeze. I could have sworn I heard “dead men tell no tales”. Maybe it was “get your hot dogs here”, I’m not really sure.

Micah Owings facing the fiercest seas of his career with his shipmates desperately trying to hold on rose to the task. He grasped the wheel and spun it violently. The rudder turned and the ship lurched forward. He barked commands and directed those around him. His shipmates beckoned to his every command. Stephen Drew was the first to heed Owings call firing a shot across the bow of the Pirate ship giving the Diamondbacks a lead. Tony Clark followed later in the game firing another shot across the bow. All of the Diamondbacks sailors got into the battle in one form or another whether it was offensive strikes or defensive gems. Jeff Salazar gunned down a Pirate attempting to take second and Carlos Quentin nailed a pirate brave enough to try and steal a run by throwing him out at home. Everyone seemed to be involved in the action but no one was as involved as Micah Owings. He kept the Pittsburgh Pirates at bay denying every challenge they came with for six innings he kept the Pirates at a safe distance never allowing them to board the Diamondbacks ship. That alone would have been enough but Micah wanted to swing a sword himself in battle; and swing he did. Micah hit three doubles and drove in three runs by himself to add to the Arizona lead.

As the winds began to calm and the smoke from the battle dissipated, the Diamondbacks were the ones left standing. Sea Man First Class Micah Owings may very well have earned himself a promotion based on his battle scars from today. At the very least he probably deserves a new wooden leg and a parrot for his shoulder. And as for Pittsburgh, they are left to prepare for a long off-season banished to the Caribbean to search for long lost buried treasure.

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