Planetary Disaster is Looming

I rushed to the Internet and navigated my browser to Google. There I frantically entered the search terms “interplanetary, disaster, misalignment, impending doom”. I half expected the number one result to come back with the address www.diamondbacks.com followed by a link to NASA that told of a rogue asteroid that is streaking towards the earth that would collide with the planet making us as extinct as the dinosaurs. There really was no other explanation for tonight’s game. The gravitational pull of the earth had somehow become misaligned causing changes to the ocean tides and disrupting the magnetic poles of the planet. I appreciate that neither Bob Melvin nor Doug Davis wanted to use this as an excuse but the facts remained that there had to be some sort of outside force that had caused Davis to pitch the way he did in tonight’s game.


In his entire career Doug Davis had not given up an earned run to the Los Angeles Dodgers so when his name appeared as the starting pitcher in tonight’s game I had sighed in relief. With the Dodgers on a recent upswing beating up on the San Diego Padres many Diamondbacks fans might have been worried but not me. I knew Davis hadn’t given up an earned run so we were in better hands than if we had gone with Allstate. I didn’t care that the Dodgers were throwing Brad Penny who has owned the Diamondbacks and is having probably the best year of his career. It didn’t matter, we had Doug Davis and he has not allowed an earned run in his career to the Dodgers. Playing the game tonight was a mere formality. After all, we had Doug Davis on the mound and he has not allowed an earned run in his career to the Los Angeles Dodgers.

You see, if I keep repeating that phrase it will hopefully help me to deal with what really happened tonight. I mean nothing can go wrong because we have Doug Davis on the mound and he has not given up an earned run to the Los Angeles Dodgers in his career. The game started well. The Diamondbacks loaded the bases with no outs and scored a run on Brad Penny. Penny proceeded to shut down the Diamondbacks not allowing another run that inning. Sure there may have been people worried that we only got one run but not me. We had Doug Davis on the mound and he has not allowed an earned run against the Dodgers in his whole career. In the bottom of the first inning Rafeal Furcal singled and moved to second on a sacrifice bunt. First baseman James Loney then doubled which scored Furcal and tied the game. That’s ok because we have Doug Davis on the mound and he has not allowed an earned run in his whole career against the Dodgers. Wait, what was that? Did the Dodgers just score? What is going on here? Did someone forget to tell the Dodgers that Doug Davis was pitching? In the fourth inning the Diamondbacks scored on a sacrifice fly by Stephen Drew to gain the lead. It was only a single run but we had Doug Davis on the mound and he has not allowed an earned run in his whole career to the Dodgers (except that one in the first inning because someone forgot to tell the Dodgers that Doug Davis was pitching). In the bottom of the fourth the Dodgers Russell Martin singled to score Jeff Kent from third tying the game at 2. But that’s ok we have Doug Davis on the mound and he hasn’t allowed an earned run in his whole career. Wait, what just happened? How did the Dodgers score another run? While I was checking my scorebook the Diamondbacks scored 2 runs on a home run by Mark Reynolds to take a 4-2 lead. And we all know that is all the offense we are going to need because Doug Davis is on the mound and he has not allowed an earned run in his entire career to the Dodgers except that one in the first inning and that one in the fourth inning; and those four in the fifth inning? Wait what was that? The Dodgers just scored more runs all credited to Doug Davis who lasted 4.2 innings? The same Doug Davis who has not allowed a single earned run in his entire career to the Dodgers; are we still talking about that Doug Davis? Something is definitely not right. I have that same lump in my stomach that I had when I went to the theater and saw those movies Armageddon and Deep Impact only this time I can’t blame the plate of nachos with a Junior Mint chaser. Planetary implosion is the only logical explanation as to why Doug Davis who has not given up an earned run to the Dodgers in his entire career decided that in 4 innings he could give up 6 runs with 4 of them earned.


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