Tough Decisions

Sometimes I just have to wonder how in the world Trina and I ever got married in the first place. I am not questioning whether I love my wife; I am questioning whether she has lost her mind. We agree on certain things like Rally Sally being insane and that Derek Jeter may very well be the reincarnation of Satan but then there are other things where I just have no idea where she is coming from. Some of these differences are subtle like how we differ in shopping for gifts for each other. She seems to think there are places besides the Team Shop and I don’t. There are also differences in our food tastes. I like the Italian Sausage with sauerkraut from Hungry Hill while she likes the Polish Sausage with grilled peppers, onions and sauerkraut. These are the kinds of things that you can deal with. After all, every marriage is made up of some compromise isn’t it? But sometimes the differences between her and I are gaping holes which in one particular case seems to be wider and deeper than the Grand Canyon.

As we were driving home from the game yesterday I was lamenting about how flat the Diamondbacks looked against the Padres and how I had expected it to be a closely fought battle instead of the blow out we had witnessed. Trina in a nonchalant tone stated that she didn’t really know since the Diamondbacks always lost whenever she went to the game. I nearly drove off the road when she said that. Is that true? No, that’s crazy. Trina must have gone to at least one game when they won hadn’t she? I quizzed her on the games she had been to trying to see if she was exaggerating or if indeed she had not seen the Diamondbacks win. No she was confident that since the Diamondbacks had changed their colors to Sedona Red and Black she had not been to a game where they had won. Oh this was not good; this was not good at all. Could I possibly be the reason why the Diamondbacks now find themselves in second place a game out of first? Well not me specifically because I had seen them win a lot of times but my wife could very well be putting a jinx on this whole season. This was a serious problem and needed to be addressed quickly and decisively. I began quizzing her to see if she had worn the same clothes to each game or if she had eaten the same food trying to find some common thread. Trina was quickly becoming frustrated at my endless questions and I was getting frustrated that she could not remember what she wore to the game in April. This was obviously more than just a slump. This was bordering on epidemic curse. Something had to be done and had to be done quickly. The solution was not going to be easy. It wasn’t like she could go from long pants to the high pants with the socks like the players do. With a jinx this severe I think we are even beyond pulling your pants pockets inside out.

All night long I tossed and turned trying to think of something we could do to try and break this streak and salvage the Diamondbacks season. The night stretched on forever and as the clock slowly ticked my mind raced for a solution. I thought back to my playing days and what I did when I was in some kind of slump. I was pretty sure that I would not be able to find a live chicken before the next game and I was positive that even if I did there was no way Trina was going to let me sacrifice the chicken. No I needed an answer that would not involve feathers or poultry. Finally I came up with something. It was a little unorthodox but I was pretty sure it would work. All I needed to do now was to convince Trina.

I sat her down and tried to instill the critical nature of the problem we had. The Arizona Diamondbacks had trusted us to be loyal and dedicated fans to be there for the team and to cheer them on. At no time did they anticipate that our loyalty would be used for evil instead of good. It was therefore imperative that we break this curse so that she would be allowed back into the stadium and into the good graces of the team. My proposal was that she turn her underwear inside out while attending the game. That seemed logical. I mean if we reverse everything about this curse we are bound to win instead of lose. If the underwear doesn’t work we’ll keep moving outwards reversing clothing and other things. This made perfect sense. But Trina didn’t see the beauty of this plan. All she could see was that she would be wearing inside-out underwear. It’s not that big a deal. I’ve done it before (not her underwear, mine) when I tried to dress in a completely dark room. I’m here to testify that when your underwear is inside out you day goes substantially different. Trina though was adamant that this was not going to happen, she would not consent to this course of action. For a brief moment I considered wrestling her to the ground and flipping her underwear but then I remembered that I once saw her drop a 250 pound guy to his knees with a karate move and one time when the dog ran away she had him neutered. Neither of these things were an outcome I wanted to experience. Instead I proposed small steps. Just wear one thing (of her choosing) inside out and prove to me that my idea was as crazy as she thought. She knew I was not going to let it go and finally relented. She promised that one item she was wearing was inside out as we left to go to the game. Tonight the Diamondbacks won 9-1 and Trina was sitting in Section 132 Row 15 Seat 14. She refuses to tell me what the item was that was inside out. All I know is that the jinx appears to be over. From here on out the Diamondbacks are on their own. I’ve done just about all I can do to help them by taking one for the team.

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