Tree-ly Outrageous

I thought I had overcome Trina’s need for additional Christmas shopping yesterday but she see seemed undeterred. In fact she was fairly insistent that not only did we need to get some non-Diamondbacks related gifts but we also needed to get some Christmas decorations put up. There are so many things wrong with what she said that I have no idea where to even start. First I thought Christmas was supposed to be a holiday filled with love and joy. How is that possible if we give non-Diamondbacks related gifts? I can guarantee that if I get up on Christmas morning and there is not at least one item with an Arizona Diamondbacks logo on it then I’ll quit believing that there is a Santa Claus. And I don’t mean that guy at the mall either. I’ve already tangled with that clown. There is no way he is the real Santa, his suit was not even Sedona Red. It was more Cincinnati Red than Sedona Red and we all know that Santa prefers his boys in Sedona Red. It was Trina’s second comment that really piqued my interest though. Did she say she wanted me involved in decorating for Christmas?

I would have thought that she had learned her lesson a long time ago when she made that request. Nary a year goes by that I am not reminded of the Nativity incident and I think I am still banned from several Home Depot stores after the Sedona Red Chrismas light debacle from last year. But hey, if my wife says she wants me to help her decorate for Christmas who am I to argue? I started digging out some of our old decorations noting how many of them had seen better days. Before I could even begin building a case for why we should just go out and buy a few thousand Sedona Red Christmas Lights or maybe see if we could find some Sonoran Sand or Black tinsel Trina broke in and said there would be no new decorations this year and that just because we had some ornaments that had Purple and Turquoise on them that did not mean we had to scrap all of them and start over. I was obviously crushed. I can’t believe she is taking away my artistic freedom. I was further shocked to find that Trina had confiscated all of my Diamondbacks hats prior to allowing me to decorate the Christmas tree. I swear, you use one baseball hat for a tree topper and you are branded for life. While untangling Christmas lights I found several in need of new bulbs. This would necessitate a trip to the store to get some replacements. Trina insisted on going with me as she seemed to imply that my idea of replacement bulbs somehow equated to entire strings of lights bought in bulk rather than a few bulbs in a single package. I was slightly disappointed that she didn’t trust me and even more disturbed that she had found out my plan so quickly.

Trina’s theory was that the grocery store would be the safest place for us to purchase these replacement bulbs. After all, how much trouble could I possibly get into at a grocery store? Besides, if we use our Fry’s VIP card that may mean a few extra points towards Diamondbacks merchandise? Hey if there is a possibility for Diamondbacks merchandise then I’m there. We walked into the store and proceeded to the seasonal section. As we walked up we were involved in some trivial small talk when all of a sudden I stopped in mid-sentence and stared at the sight in front of me. Trina at first looked at me wondering what would cause me to not complete a full sentence. She followed my gaze and immediately saw what had caught my eye. There standing in front of me was a new artificial 7 foot Christmas tree. This was not just any artificial Christmas tree. This was a pre-lit Douglas fir replica. It was not a typical tree in any sense though. All of the branches were bright red. Yeah you read that right this was a complete red tree. For months I have been looking for Sedona Red tinsel for our traditional green Christmas tree and for months I have been denied not finding anything that even slightly resembled Sedona Red tinsel. Now here in front of me was a completely red tree. I rushed over to it and took off my hat and held it up to the branches to see how closely it matched Sedona Red. Trina let out a sigh at about the same moment that I cursed under my breath. The color was too bright to be Sedona Red. I was so close to having the perfect Christmas tree only to once again be denied. Trina seemed oddly relieved at my frustration. I don’t think this subject is completely finished though. I think with a slight dusting of black spray paint I might be able to make the color closely match Sedona Red. I’m just not sure how to explain that to Trina yet.

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