Evening on the Diamond

It’s always a great day when you get a letter from home. In this day and age we seem to have lost the significance that a card or letter delivered to our postal mail box can have on someone’s life. I know for me it is so much easier to send an e-mail or make a phone call than it is to take the time to sit down and write something out, find an envelope and stamp, and make a trip to the post office. That being said, I find it amazing how important my daily trek to the mail box is. When I get home from work; one of the first things I ask Trina and the kids is whether anyone has gotten the mail or not. If the answer is no (and it generally is), I will retrieve the mail key and make my daily hike down the street to the mail box. Each day as I am walking down to the box I go through the same thought process wondering at what point delivering mail got so painful that we as a society decided that we would be better served by having a single mail station in our subdivision rather than individual mail boxes attached to our house. I remember as a kid following the mailman from house to house as he delivered mail to all of our neighbors. Come to think about it at that time I wondered why we insisted on having individual mail boxes as it would seem much more efficient to have a centralized box to deliver our mail to. I’m not sure but I think I am in a thought-process infinite loop. Today at the end of that march I reached the mail box and retrieved its contents. Hidden among the junk mail and bill envelopes was a most pleasant surprise.


The envelope was plain white and at first glance I thought it might be one of those invitations to come to a free dinner. All that is required is for you to sit through 9 hours of sales presentation then have some squirrel looking guy hover over you until you promise to buy his goods and services. As I flipped over the envelope I noticed the return address. In Sedona Red ink sprinkled with stars was the title Evening on the Diamond – Chase Field. Evening on the Diamond? Perhaps my dreams have come true and the Diamondbacks are sending me that invitation to Spring Training I have always wanted. My mind immediately began racing as I thought about where my baseball glove was and if my cleats still fit. I would need to go to Costco and get one of those 55-gallon drums of Ben-Gay as I was sure I would be sore after the first practice. I made a note to myself to come up with a great excuse to tell my boss so that I could miss a few days of work while I was with the team. Oh I had so much to do and with pitchers and catchers reporting in just 10 days I have very little time to prepare. I rushed back to the house to tell Trina the great news and to start packing. I handed her the mail, gave her a brief synopsis and ran upstairs to try and find my Arizona Diamondbacks duffle bag. I figured if I was going to be part of the team I should at least have luggage that had the team’s logo emblazoned upon it. After all, I don’t have a fan sponsorship so I was kind of on my own. As I was digging under the bed trying to find when I had put my duffle bag, Trina entered the room and said, “Is it possible to neuter an elephant in the trunk with a crow bar?” When your wife says something like that you immediately stop what you are doing. I came out from under the bed and said, “What?”

“I said did you even bother to open this envelope and read what was inside?” was Trina’s response. My mind was spinning trying to figure out what good an envelope would be when I was trying to neuter an elephant and if I couldn’t find my duffle bag what made her think I was going to be able to locate a crow bar? I had to admit I hadn’t even opened the letter but from the looks of her hands she had taken the liberty of doing it for me. I thought about reminding her that opening someone else’s mail was a Federal crime but I figured any woman considering neutering an elephant with a crow bar probably wouldn’t think twice about using the same tool on her husband so I left well enough alone. “This is not an invitation to Spring Training, it is an invitation to a dinner at Chase Field benefitting the Arizona Diamondbacks Foundation.” My heart sunk lower than a neutered elephant. Here I thought I was going to get to go to Tucson. My spirits bounced right back up when I realized that Trina had said dinner and Chase Field in the same sentence. It’s been nearly half a year since I had a Hungry Hill sausage so this could be kind of fun. Besides who could turn down having a picnic out on the grass at Chase Field? Trina again came to my aid by explaining that this wasn’t a “pick up a hot dog and lay out a blanket in the outfield” kind of event. From the looks of the pictures on the invitation this was kind of a swanky event with people dressed up and everything. Hey that might not be so bad, after all I now have what I would classify as formal attire. Trina could clearly see that no good could possibly come from this and therefore put it in terms even I could understand. This is the kind of event that people who sit behind the plate or above the dugouts would go to. It would contain chairs that did not come with cup holders and a Diamondbacks tie in conjunction with a Sedona Red dress shirt did not constitute formal attire. That would be like wearing a purple and teal jersey to a Sedona Red Diamondbacks game. Oh, and her guess was that the entrance fee to attend this event was probably more expensive than a season ticket parking pass to Chase Field. Whoa, that’s a lot. But I don’t understand. Why in the world would they send an invitation to me? I’m just a guy from section 112. This whole experience has left me very confused and worried about the safety of elephants. I’m definitely going to need to do a little more research into this whole situation.


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