I Thought I Missed It

I woke up this morning in a panic. I leapt out of bed and rushed to the calendar and it was a case of good news and bad news. First of all I hadn’t missed the Second Annual Evening on the Diamond. I thought the event was last night but I was relieved to find out it is tomorrow night. The bad news was that I still needed to raise the $50,000 for the dinner. I thought I had a plan but I wasn’t exactly sure whether Trina was going to approve it. The first problem I had to overcome was the fact that Trina was going to complain that $50,000 was a lot of money for dinner. Oh sure if you compare it to what we ate last night it might seem excessive. After all that $50,000 could buy 46,728 Wendy’s Double Stacker hamburgers and 1 small Frosty from their value menu but really that’s not a fair comparison. After the first 46,727 Double Stackers do you honestly think you would want one more? Besides, I am guessing your arteries would completely seal shut at about 42,617 (a theory that will probably have to go untested I’m afraid).

I thought I had a valid response to the Wendy’s comparison that by going to the Second Annual Evening on the Diamond I was actually saving the lives of our children by eliminating the potential for obesity that would result from eating that Wendy’s Frosty (along with the 46,728 cheese laden hamburgers). Besides, for $50,000 you aren’t just buying a meal you are buying a table. Trina has long stated that she would love a nice dining room set. I am giving her an opportunity to have a table that once sat on Chase Field. What could be nicer than that? My plans would be to get the table this year then next year see if I could find the manufacturer of the Chase Field stadium seats to go with it. How cool would that be? She would be the talk of all her friends. I could just hear them now, “Did you see what Jeff did? He bought Trina a table from Chase Field and then told the poor dear she would get stadium seats from the ballpark to go with them next year.” I think the “poor dear” part is because Trina would have to wait for the chairs. Hey, I’m not made of money you know (I had that tested the last time I went to the doctor. He said no I was made up of mostly water although Trina thinks I have more hot air than water which didn’t really show up on any of the tests). Getting a table and potentially some chairs is a pretty good deal and she will have those bragging rights that she owns a $50,000 table; let’s not discount that. My only problem was where to come up with the $50,000. I went through my pockets and all the hiding places I could remember where I stashed money and gathered it all together. After counting my liquid assets I find that I am only short $49,997.60. I would have only been short $49,996.10 but Dakota insisted on eating hot lunch at school. I tried to explain that we would probably have left-overs tomorrow after the Second Annual Evening on the Diamond so he could just wait to eat until tomorrow but that didn’t work. This was going to be more difficult than I first imagined. I sat down and quickly started doing some calculations. If I can talk Tiffany, Whitney, and Dakota out of going to college I can divert that money to the “table fund” (I got tired of typing “the Second Annual Evening on the Diamond”). I could maybe sell Trina’s sewing machine for some additional cash. Hey, don’t sound so shocked. She is getting a table out of this so I think it’s only fair that she contribute a little. Mallorie has a car at school and if I can somehow get that back in the next day or so I might be able to use it towards the “table fund”. After all, when she is home from college she eats and will therefore benefit from the new stand-up table (I am trying to set the family’s expectations that there may initially not be chairs). There are five of us who could go to the Second Annual Evening on the Diamond (using “table fund” in that context just didn’t make sense so my whole theory of shortening the name to save keystrokes was totally bogus) so that gives me 5 potential donors for blood. At $10 per transfusion that will give us $50 and some free juice so that’s a bonus. Even after all that I think I am going to be a little short. When I presented the plan to Trina she suggested perhaps I could sell my Arizona Diamondbacks Season Tickets. Now that’s just crazy talk. Who ever heard of selling something that valuable just so that we could go out for dinner? Sometimes I just don’t get how women think.

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