The past five days have been pure torture as I have had to resort to watching the Arizona Diamondbacks on television. It’s not that I have anything against television; in fact I spent the better part of my childhood in front of one (at least that is the story my mother continues to tell me even to this day).
The problem is baseball on television. Fox Sports does an awesome job especially with their high definition broadcasts but it is just not the same. There is something about being at the ballpark in person that makes baseball special. So when the Diamondbacks returned to Phoenix I was eager to get down to the ballpark as soon as the gates opened. Tonight was my daughter Tiffany’s turn to go to the game so as soon as she got home from school we left for Chase Field.
Typically something as mundane as me driving to the ballpark would not warrant inclusion in an entry but I’m including it here just to give you a little background on timing. While we were on the road to the ballpark my cell phone rang. Being the safe driver that I am, I pulled over and answered the phone thereby maintaining my concentration on driving.
Ok, I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. Whenever I am driving to Chase Field and my cell phone rings I somehow imagine it is the Arizona Diamondbacks calling to see if I am almost to the stadium because they forgot to get someone to throw out the ceremonial first pitch or something. That of course has never happened but a guy can dream can’t he? So as the phone began to ring I answered it as I always do.
“Hi this is Jeff Summers, dedicated Diamondbacks fan and surrogate ceremonial first pitch guy, would I be speaking to Derrick Hall President of the Arizona Diamondbacks?”
“Jeff, it’s me.” Came the voice on the other end
“What can I do for you Derrick?” I asked
“This is your wife Trina, quit calling me Derrick” would be Trina’s reply.
At this point I try my best not to sound disappointed. It’s not that I don’t like talking to my wife. I find it enjoyable and sometimes even entertaining. But you have to admit, if you were hoping to hear from the president of a Major League Baseball franchise and instead get your wife on the phone you would be a little disappointed too.
Usually at this point I ask if Derrick Hall had called the house phone by mistake and if she had given him my cell phone number. And every day Trina has to explain that Derrick Hall had not called and so she didn’t have a chance to give him my cell phone number.
At this point the conversation usually turns into something I lose interest in like Trina telling me she found some material or scrapbook item or that the kids need to be fed or some other trivial non-baseball thing. Today though was a little different. You have to love a phone call where the conversation starts off with “The weirdest thing just happened…”
Weird is a relative kind of thing especially in our house. I’ve long considered creating something similar to the Fujita Scale that they use to measure tornado damage but instead measures weirdness in our household. The scale would start with what F1 which to me is fairly normal but to others constitute weirdness.
An example of this would be something like having actual Chase Field stadium seats in your house. An F2 would be something kind of strange like replacing the wise men in your wife’s nativity set with Diamondbacks bobble head dolls just to give the baby Jesus some protection in the line-up. An F3 would be something like replacing your daughter’s daddy/daughter music at her wedding with “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” and making her wear the lucky hat during her wedding reception.
As we move up the scale it does start to get a little stranger. An example of an F4 on the weirdness scale would be something like killer bees attacking your house while you are at the Diamondbacks game. An F5 would be the top end of the weirdness scale. It would be like a practical joke by God or complete absurdity. No one has ever witnesses an F5 on the weirdness scale at least not at my house so unfortunately I don’t have a firm example. So when Trina starts a conversation with “The weirdest thing just happened…” I immediately start assessing what level to classify it.
From time to time I am known to buy stuff without talking to Trina about it first. The classic example of this was when I bought my Harley-Davidson motorcycle. I meant to tell her, it just slipped my mind.
So it should not come as a complete surprise to Trina when someone arrives at the door bearing boxes. Well it just so happened I ordered something and forgot to tell her. It wasn’t a big thing; just something I saw on an Infomercial one night at 3 AM and wondered whether the thing actually worked. Today the package arrived and this is where the weird part comes in.
The UPS truck pulled up out front of our house and the dude in brown leapt out of the truck running to the door with a box in his hand. Usually Brown just leaves the package on the steps, rings the doorbell then goes back to his truck. Today though he knocked on the door, rang the doorbell, and as Trina came around the corner he was peeking through the window as he knocked on the door again.
Trina opened the door and the guy looked slightly surprised. He handed Trina the package then began a conversation with “I’m kind of surprised to see you here. Isn’t there a Diamondbacks game tonight?” Confused Trina said yes there was. The guy then proceeded where he left off, “I guess it wasn’t your night to go to the game huh? Well the game is on television right?”
Trina again answered saying yes the game was on Fox Sports Arizona. The UPS driver continued, “Well that’s good at least you can watch the game. Who knows maybe your husband will be on television again.” At this point he turned around and headed back to his truck.
As he got into the driver’s seat he waved and yelled, “Go D-Backs!” then drove off. Trina was completely confused by what just happened and stood there for a moment before closing the door. The good news is that she completely forgot about me not telling her about the package so I owe UPS big time on that. As Trina related the story to me I had to admit this was probably a solid F3 on the weird scale.