Stitch and Pitch?

There are certain things that absolutely scare me in life. Those would include things such as the Arizona Diamondbacks being realigned into the American League and me having to accept the Designated Hitter; my wife standing behind the door leaping out questioning why I made my latest purchase at the Diamondbacks team shop; and clowns. These fears are very real and I have had to learn to deal with them. I thought that was an exhaustive list but now I am adding one more item to that list; Stitch and Pitch.

You may be asking yourself; what exactly is Stitch and Pitch? It is the most diabolical event ever conceived by man. The Arizona Diamondbacks have partnered with the knitting and crocheting organizations in Arizona to hold an event at Chase Field where these stitch-a-holics can receive a ticket to a Diamondbacks game. There are dedicated sections within the stadium where these predominately female fans can sit and watch the game while knitting or hooking (which I just found out is a crochet term and has absolutely nothing to do with the oldest profession of street walking).

The sections are in the upper deck mostly I think for safety reasons since many of these women are counting stitches rather than keeping track of pitches. That would be bad if a foul ball ruined their pattern. The Diamondbacks could not be held responsible for a sweater suddenly sprouting a third sleeve because of a 2-2 count with a foul tip to row 3.

Besides the dedicated sections, there is also an area set up in the right field beer garden with booths for such things as custom yarn, high-tech needles, or ergonomic pattern holders. I will be the first to admit that I have no clue about such things. I could not tell you the difference between a knit and a purl. My wife on the other hand is a knitting machine. She is constantly churning out some project or another. Besides being a knitter she is also a hooker (which again I must reiterate that this is a crochet term. I once suggested an alternative definition and had to be rushed to the emergency room to have a knitting needle removed from my thigh).

When Stitch and Pitch was announced there were immediate squeals of joy and delight (again these were crochet sounds and not the alternative definition sounds). She of course wanted to attend this event. For the price of the ticket you received admittance plus you got a special Stitch and Pitch shirt, valuable coupons, and the ability to share time and ideas with other who have your passion for the yarn arts.

The thoughts of spending an entire game surrounded by people like my wife brought new meaning to the word terror. I had visions of women all around me complaining at my lack of helping around the house, how I never picked up my dirty laundry, and how cuddling had become a lost art. Yeah I know, it had all the makings of a nightmare.

So when Stitch and Pitch came around I feared for my life. This morning something came up and Trina was unable to attend. I felt a wave of relief thinking I had just dodged a bullet. Instead she approached me with her ticket and asked if I would go to Stitch and Pitch for her. The blood immediately drained from my face. Things just went from bad to worse. Now not only was I going to have to go but I was going to have to go by myself. This was definitely going to be bad. Dakota of course thought this was hilarious but his laughter soon died out when I told him if I had to go so did he. No use just one of us having to suffer.

We went to the game and sure enough as soon as we walked through the gates we were surrounded by knitters and hookers (again we are referring to the crochet term. Trust me most of these women looked like your grandmother so the other definition would just be too creepy to think about). Dakota and I went to the upper deck to get Trina’s shirt and coupons. For some odd reason the only shirt size they had were XL. Looking around that seemed about right but for my wife that was going to be huge. To be honest, an XL was going to be huge on me.

It was a nightmare walking through the concourse to the sounds of fans arguing not about the upcoming game or opponent but over the skein weight or yarn quality. I felt as though I was in a foreign country there was such a language barrier. I feared for my life the entire game as I worried that in the mass hysteria of Stitch and Pitch someone would lose control of a knitting needle and it would come flying out of the upper deck. My suggestion for next year’s event is to schedule it on the same day as the batting helmet giveaway. The men would then be protected from the women. It’s amazing what a husband will do for his wife. I only hope that Trina will appreciate the sacrifices I had to make for her going to this game.

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