Happy Anniversary Dear

There are few things that will bring damnation to a man’s soul quicker than forgetting the birthday or anniversary of someone you love. I’ve heard tales where men were burned at the stake when they realized too late that they forgot to recognize their wife’s birthday or somehow spaced off the fact that it was their anniversary. My experience has been that women fall within two camps. The first type will drop subtle hints to their absent-minded spouse to help them jog that memory and make a shoestring catch saving an extra base hit. The other type of woman will give absolutely no indication that an event is coming up. They hope to catch the husband in a pickle where he runs back and forth between bases before being tagged out and has to face the wrath of the manager.

It is the man’s responsibility to first recognize the type of opponent he is facing and secondly to out-manage them turning the advantage to the home team. It took me a few years to get this down but ultimately I think I now have a handle on how to deal with this exact situation. Like any other skill it takes some level of talent but more importantly it takes hard work and dedication to play this game at the highest professional levels. And like Major League Baseball players, we have to prepare before the season starts. That means Spring Training. When I was younger and more naive I thought my skills alone would allow me to play at this level but I was quickly outmaneuvered and found myself sitting the bench with my wife. Now I am a seasoned veteran and know how the game is played. I prepare myself every day so that when it is my turn at bat I am ready. I have made myself notes and reminders and put them in various places so that I am constantly reminded of when birthdays and anniversaries are so I will never miss another one.

So today when my iPhone produced a popup reminder of an anniversary I sprung to action. On my way into work I stopped at the Hallmark store and bought a most romantic card I could find. At lunch I went to the florist and bought a dozen Sedona Red roses (you would be surprised at the stares you get when you try to match the color of flowers to your baseball hat). On the way home I stopped and bought a box of my wife’s favorite chocolates. I was clearly in the zone. There would be no way I was getting shut out of this game. I was just about to hit one out of the park.

As Trina came in I stood there smiling as I presented her with the gifts. I was about to bask in the warmth of being the most caring husband on the planet. Imagine my surprise when instead of hugs and kisses I was greeted with blank stares and a confused look. Could it be? Did my loving wife somehow forget our anniversary? These are the moments that husbands dream of. I mean think of all the paybacks you will have at your disposal if you have somehow turned the tables. My wife still looking confused asked, “what is all this for?”

Oh this is such a perfect moment. I tried hard to hold back the joy I was feeling. I just couldn’t do it, a smile beamed across my face as I said, “It’s our anniversary, did you forget?”

“Our anniversary is in June” my wife said in that tone that is usually reserved for when I suggest we paint the house Sedona Red or install a retractable roof. The smile on my face disappeared faster than a Brandon Webb sinker. But my iPhone came up with the reminder. I frantically grabbed my iPhone to verify that I was not crazy. Sure enough the reminder was tucked within its screen. As I re-read the message my face went the color of gray of the Diamondbacks away uniform.

“Happy Anniversary to the Arizona Diamondbacks! Opening Day for the Inaugural Season was March 31, 1998.” This message was of course met with a stern face followed by the traditional lecture where my wife constantly reminds me that the Diamondbacks are more important than she is and how I can somehow remember an anniversary for a baseball team but somehow forget when our wedding anniversary is. Did I mention how much I am starting to hate technology? Stupid iPhone; I am perfectly capable of getting into this much trouble without having a device helping me.

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