Archenemies and the Trade Deadline

Everyone has an archenemy. For Superman it was Lex Luthor, for Batman it was the Joker, and for me it is Rally Sally. Oh sure some will say she’s not that bad; it’s not like she is plotting world domination or anything. These of course are the same people who believe global warming and nuclear waste dumps are good for the environment.

Each night as I go to the game I pray that I won’t have to see this diabolical mastermind and her gyrating pompoms. The game is usually going along just fine and then “WHAM!” one of the Chase Field camera guys will flash her picture on dbTV and the dancing begins.


She’s like a crack addict. She sits there quietly until her face is shown on the big screen then she jumps up and dances. The naïve crowd doesn’t know any different and they start to cheer which feeds Rally Sally like a drug and she starts dancing and freaking out.

Every game it is the same thing. I tried pleading with the fans to please just look away. If they ever saw the ending of Raiders of the Lost Ark they would realize that looking at this embodiment of pure evil will at some point cause all of their skin to melt off like wax.

As her face is shown on dbTV and the dancing begins I put my head down focusing on my scorebook willing myself not to look and have my eyes burn out. The fans around me try to help by telling me when it is safe for me to look up again.

One of the few pleasures of sitting on the first base side of the field is that Rally Sally’s seats are directly behind me so I don’t have to worry about her getting in my line of sight and causing temporary blindness. Sure I would rather be sitting on the Diamondbacks side of the field but my vision is important to me so I sacrifice.

This ritual of staring at my scorebook while she is on dbTV has been working well until the last couple of games. For whatever reason Rally Sally has not been in her traditional upper deck seats. Instead she has been sitting on the seats that hang over left center field. This means she is in my direct line of sight.

I have already begun to feel the effects. I find my eyes are burning after the game and my wife has commented that they look blood shot. I’m a little frightened and I’ve considered calling the Diamondbacks to suggest that they have a Safety Glasses promotion at the ballpark and give all fans in Rally Sally’s sight lines a free pair of protective glasses.

The one positive thing about this new arrangement is that it is confusing Rally Sally to no end. From these new seats she can’t see whether she is on camera or not. As a result she doesn’t know when to gyrate and when not to. She looks confused like a mouse being shocked as part of a psychology experiment.

This may just be Rally Sally’s kryptonite. If I can somehow develop a defense weapon that neutralizes her vision of the dbTV screen I just may be able to defeat her and save all of the citizens of Chase Field.

I happened to surf over to the MLB web site today and noticed the headline “Players not only ones moving in trades”. I eagerly clicked this story. It was my hope that somehow Major League Baseball had come up with a plan that would allow teams to trade fans.

I quickly devised a plan where the Diamondbacks could somehow trade Rally Sally. There is a peanut vendor in Seattle that can throw a bag of peanuts halfway up the upper deck and have them land in the lap of the guy wanting peanuts or perhaps the old dude with the drum that patrols the Oakland Coliseum. Either of those would be a great trade in my mind.

I’d even be willing to throw in a fan to be named later as long as it wasn’t me. Oh dear, come to think about it I don’t have a no-trade clause with the Diamondbacks. I seriously need to negotiate something. The last thing I want is to find myself in some sort of package deal that sends the two of us to Florida in exchange for Billy the Marlin. I couldn’t deal with that.

Jeff Summers

Just a digital guy in an analog world pondering the metaphysics of baseball and whether the knuckleball defies Newton's first law of motion.

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Jeff Summers

Jeff Summers

Baseball Epistemologist

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