I admit it, when it comes to getting sick I am the biggest wimp in the universe. There is just something about your body revolting against everything you eat or drink that will turn me from trying to be a tough guy into a whimpering Houston Astros fan curled up in a corner crying wishing their team was good and back in the National League.
It’s funny, I played a double header with a broken wrist going 4-9 with 3 stolen bases and 2 RBIs and I didn’t think twice about it. I pitched four games with a torn rotator cuff with nothing more than a couple of Advil to dull the pain and didn’t think twice about that either. So why is it then that an upset stomach turns me into such a mess?
It can’t be the flu I had a flu shot. In fact, considering the number of needle marks on my arm from the vaccinations to go to India, I should never be sick in my life yet in the middle of the night I awoke with what can only be described as Dodger Deli Belly.
Gurgling noises from my abdomen coupled with a mad dash to the closest bathroom is not a way I ever want to wake up. It felt as though the entire 1962 New York Mets crawled into my small intestine and died. And we all know how bad the 1962 New York Mets were. For the remainder of the night and all through the day I paced more than Tommy Lasorda at an all-you-can-eat pasta buffet.
I have to confess, I am very superstitious. Whether it is wearing the same jersey or putting my socks on the exact same way, I try not to rock the universe. So when I get sick I immediately start assessing what I have done differently and how can I change the mojo so this doesn’t happen again.
First thing I did when I started to feel sick was run to the closet and take off my Diamondbacks jersey that I sleep in and remove anything with a Diamondbacks logo on it. The last thing you want to do is throw up while wearing something from your favorite team. There is no telling where that might lead.
You can’t just be running around naked while you are sick. No, for me I do the exact opposite of what I normally do. I have a special Los Angeles Dodgers shirt that I only wear when I am throwing up. I have a pair of Boston Red Sox shorts that go with the outfit. I figure if you want your body to get all the bad stuff out, that’s the best way to do it.
While you are lying in the bathroom hoping for the world to end before you have to throw up again, you think about the Chicago Cubs going to the World Series and the stands at Wrigley Field filled with goats.
It may sound crazy but it works. It’s impossible not to throw up when you have Dodgers and Red Sox gear on and there is no doctor in the world that would not have you cared for if you described the Cubs in the World Series being cheered by 41,159 goats.
By this afternoon I am feeling a little better. I’m able to keep water down to the point that by tonight I should be able to remove the Dodgers shirt and Red Sox shorts. Hopefully I’m on the road to recovery or I will be before Friday. The last thing I need would be to miss the day pitchers and catchers report because I’m sick. There are not enough prescriptions in the world to get me over that level of depression if I missed the first workouts.